Give people ONE contact number on your personal or business card. Maybe two.

But not three. Not four.

It seems I’ve read at least 3 articles this month advising people to put every possible contact number on their business cards! Yikes!

photo credit: justgrimes

Um, no. Don’t do that. Here are three reasons why:

• You have the technology. When you leave the office, transfer your phone to your cell. When you give clients ONE number to call, you reduce confusion and frustration. You make it easier for people to reach you. This demonstrates that you are customer-focused. It also shows that you have a grip on current communication technology.
• Reduce voicemail frustration. If clients get your voicemail, it means you’re not available. This means they don’t have to call yet another number, only to get another voicemail, only to leave a redundant message — that you also have to listen to — twice. With one number, everyone saves time & frustration.
• Make it simple. It’s easier for clients to remember one number. And it makes your business card look clean and less cluttered. Now, you may argue, “But Laura, now I have to remember to forward my phone every time I leave the office! That makes it harder for ME!”

Get used to it. It’s not about you, and showing off all your fancy numbers. It’s about your customers, and making THEIR lives simpler.

Capish?

Here is a 6 second audio file. Please listen carefully.

You’ve probably heard this six-second message before. I just added “more cowbell” to make it less annoying / more beautiful.

In case you don’t have speakers, here’s what the six-second message says,

 When you have finished recording, you may hang up, or press pound for more options.

You likely hear that loathsome message every time you roll into cell phone voicemail. You stare vacantly into outer space while listening to this insipid bit of weirdness.

It’s just so wrong, for so many reasons.

American productivity diminishes during that six seconds. Our collective level of stupor raises.

When I’ve finished recording, I can hang up? Really? It’s not like I was planning to just hold on the line indefinitely!

I’ve probably heard that six second bit at least 39 times today. Add it up. It ain’t cheap. Who profits from this?

If you pay by the minute, the cell phone company is lapping up some lavish coin — on both ends of the phone line. Your productivity is diminished. Your intelligence is assaulted.

How can we make this nonsense go away? Or make it optional? I can put it on the end of my voicemail — if I really want it.

But I don’t, because people who call me are smart enough to disconnect after leaving a voicemail. (Note: they don’t “hang” up anymore. What’s to hang?)

Archaic, inaccurate, annoying…

Who’s with me on this?

Or am I totally off base?

I’m a long-term customer (soon to be ex!) of two vastly different firms.

• Company A has a so-so service offering.
• Company B has an unique and exceptional product.

However, both companies give stinky customer service. And here’s a key difference in their loathsome customer service approach:

• Company A apologizes profusely and insincerely at every turn.
• Company B apologizes for nothing, while subtly suggesting that I’m an idiot.

Insincere or Supercilious? Both approaches alienate customers.

photo credit: Dashu Pagla

So how do I really know the apologies of Company A are insincere? Here are the signs:

• They send out canned apology letters on a semi-regular basis (“We apologize for any inconvenience…”).
• On the phone, the customer service reps repeatedly “apologize for any inconvenience” as part of a rather obvious script.
• When I ask them to please stop apologizing and tell me how and when they are going to fix problem, they apologize. For apologizing.

This behavior is irksome. If the company was truly sorry, they’d either fix the problem or describe their correction plan. When I asked for the company action plan, the customer service rep apologized (naturally!) but declined my request.

Sigh. Like talkin’ to a wall…

The company’s “stick to the script” policy wastes everyone’s time. No honest communication at the front lines? Why even bother communicating? Indeed — why be a customer at all?

Now, with regard to Company B – what’s wrong with them being right all the time? Isn’t that supposed to fill my soul with confidence and respect at their unfailing superiority? After all, they have a great product — why not expect to be rebuked and treated like an inferior when I schedule face time with their consultants?

• ME: “Hey, I’m concerned. I called your office 3 times last week to schedule an appointment. The last time, Beth said she’d call me back in 20 minutes. It’s been over a week, so I’m wondering what’s up…”
• REP: “You should have called the week before. And last year, we sent a letter telling you so.”
• ME: “As I said, I called last week. Three times. Wanna see my phone records when I come in?”
• REP: “That won’t be necessary. We’ll schedule you for 12:45 on Thursday. You can come in then, or you’ll have to wait until next month.”
• ME: “OK, I’ll work it in.”
• SAME REP, NEXT DAY:”I’m calling to confirm your 4:45 appointment tomorrow.”
• ME: “My appointment is at 12:45 tomorrow.”
• REP: “I made room for you at the end of the day. I remember you requesting that.”
• ME: “I have a Skype recording of our conversation yesterday. Would you like me to play it back for you?”
• REP: (weary sigh): “I’m very busy and don’t have time on my hands like you obviously do. “
• ME: “OK, just take my word for it, then. I’ll be in at 12:45, like we arranged.”
• REP: “We’re really very busy at that time. Much too busy to handle a walk-in.”
• ME: “That’s OK, just move some stuff around. Because that’s what I did yesterday to make room for our  appointment.”

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t have been so idiotically peckish, but her smug attitude brought out the worst in me. It seems that she, too, stuck to the company script — “Never apologize. And don’t forget to reinforce how busy and important we are…”

Customer Service is a Huge Part of Marketing. OK, I know I’m just ranting now. I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know: lousy customer service can destroy a company ‘s word-of-mouth marketing — even if the firm has a terrific product. Spend a zillion dollars on an ad campaign, and it can get blown to bits by one receptionist with a snippy attitude.

At the moment, I’m not inclined to recommend either of these firms — just because I don’t like their customer service posturing. So what, you say?

Other folks are not so mum. In the above paragraphs, I could have named the companies. I won’t name names — but many bloggers would have.

Many bloggers do. 

The word of mouse of disgruntled bloggers can spread like crazy. Social media is like word-of-mouth on steroids. The quality of your customer service approach can profoundly impact your brand — exponentially. When it comes to customer service in the age of social media — it’s not just bloggers who have access to an RSS soapbox anymore.  So be uber-careful! And please remember:

• Scripts aren’t conversations. They demean both parties. No one likes to talk to a wall. Improv skills are essential in the age of social media.
• A superior, can’t-be-wrong attitude brings out the worst in everyone. (I could be wrong about this one, though. But I don’t think so!)

Social skills matter in the era of social media. Empower customer service reps to use their knowledge and social skills to more positively connect with customers.

Many Midwesterners freak out about being busy.

“I’m so busy,” screeches a former colleague. “Busy! Oh, it’s crazy. So busy, busy, busy.”

Sure she’s busy.

She’s usually busy saying she’s busy!

Consequently, she’s not getting much of anything else done.

(She does, however, charge her clients for her hand-wringing over how busy she is worrying about how much she has to do. Billable might hours include: midnight bouts of angst, explaining to the client why the project has fallen behind schedule and gone over budget, and reading self-help books on project and time management.)

Beware of the perpetually, frantically, hysterically busy.

Consider the old chestnut, “The Customer is Always Right.”

Well, there’s an extreme value judgement for you! Morality, right and wrong, and eternity — what business maxim could possibly be more suspect?

If you’re a professional, you know that customers often have misconceptions. And as a pro, it’s your job to set them straight.

Embrace the misconceptions of your customers — their lack of knowledge in your field of expertise is often why they hired you!

photo credit: raketen_tim

If you are a professional, customers often approach you with all kinds of misconceptions. They want ”A” — and you advise them that “A” is not in their best interest. You explain why. You document your objections. You refuse to perform the “A” task, and suggest an alternative course of action. The customer may pout, they may argue — and they may even hire someone much less professional to do their bidding.

And if you’re a true professional, you let these clients go. While it might be easier to stroke a client’s ego, to do what they say, and to rack up some huge billable hours doing all the wrong things  — you’re a professional. You advise against an improper course of action. And you go on record advising against it. You take a momentary financial hit, but you build a valuable long-term, professional reputation.

Here’s a tip: if your professionals are frequently agreeable and flattering, give them a little test. Come up with a real bone-headed idea, and see if they try to talk you out of it. You can try one of these examples:

• Doctor: I want to eat nothing but butter, eggs, liver, and ham — and lower my cholesterol! Tell me how to make this work!
• Hey Accountant: I ran across a website that told me paying income tax is unconstitutional, so help me to never, ever pay any income taxes ever again!
• Dear Web Developer: I need you to implement my design vision. Code it any way you want, as long as it looks exactly the way I envision it.
• Hi cute little ad agency account rep: My new small business needs branding. Get me a list of national sponsorhsips and campaigns I can buy into.

If you get budgets and timelines instead of arguments against implementation, it’s probably time to part company with your, uh, professionals!

Drink and dial” defined:
when a guy (or gal) has to get liquored up to get enough nerve to call you.

“Drive and dial” defined:
when you notice that a friend only calls you when he (or she) is in his/her car.

Which is worse? The “drive & dial” phenomenon is only one-half step up from “drink & dial”. I don’t mind an occasional drive and dial. But when so-called friends make a habit of only calling me from their cars — it’s time to tell them off.

At first I’m polite — “Hey, call me when you get home. I’m concerned about you getting into an accident.”

If they don’t call me back, I know the truth: they didn’t really want to talk to me. They were just bored, and badly using their time to waste mine.

A few times, a so-called friend called me back — the next time she was driving her car and feeling bored. At this point, I’m a little less polite.

“Hey, I told you to call me back when you get to your destination. Don’t be offended, but I’m hanging up now. It’s for your own good.”

The third time a clueless friend dialed from the car, I snapped:

“I thought the reason you bought your Mercedes MidLife-CrisisMobile was because you told me it was such an amazing driving experience. So shut up and enjoy driving it. Call me when you arrive at your destination.”

I’ll admit: my way of dealing with the clueless is less than optimal. They keep calling. I keep getting ruder.

So how do you handle habitual “drive and dial” offenders?

Most of the time, it seems that telemarketers “Drink and Dial.”

I pick up the phone, and somebody at the other end badly pronounces my last name. (It’s Bergells. Pronunciation guide: Brrr-gals. Two syllables. Not three.) Or they ask to speak to the Human Resources department. (I’m a sole proprietor.)

Two minutes at Google, and telemarketers could actually sound intelligent. Instead, they waste their time and mine with a “drink and dial” approach.

But sometimes, telemarketers and email marketers will actually do a little research before they call. And sometimes, just a little research can help them appear less deluded, drunk, and dangerous. But other times, the presentation of the research makes them seem even more dangerous…

Take the telemarketer who used the freely available information at Quantcast to engage one of my clients in a discussion about their site demographics. If you haven’t visited Quantcast, go ahead. Enter your site, and see how it matches up to your site stats and  demographics. As far as the numbers go, I find that Quantcast is usually woefully inaccurate, under-representing visitors and page views by an alarming degree. It doesn’t mean that it isn’t a helpful tool in other areas, like providing psychological and demographic profiles on the visitors it does manage to capture.

In another instance, I’m guessing that an telemarketer used another free tool, Compete.com, to start a phone conversation with a client about how their site was performing — traffic-wise — in relation to some of their top competitors. You can use Compete.com, too.

Go ahead and see what they have to offer. It’s free and easy. (I’ll wait. Go ahead.)

Now, while I applaud these telemarketers for doing a little research before they contacted their prospects, here’s where their sales pitches fell apart. Quantcast and Compete.com information is freely available. However, the two telemarketers refused to answer my client’s basic question,

“Hey, how did you get that information?”

It’s a natural question. Some unknown entity calls you and tells you your site visitation, your audience profile, and competitive information. You’re going to ask.

So, if you’re a telemarketer who is trying to develop a business relationship, you’re going to answer truthfully and maybe even guide your new prospect to these sites, right?

It didn’t happen that way. Rather, the two  telemarketers wanted to use this free info to make it appear that they had some special, inside information that only they could ferret out. Instead of building trust and expertise with my clients, they blew it.

They freaked my clients out.

Both clients called me right away, panicky. They wanted to know how strangers got hold of their information. Quantcast and Compete were my guesses — and from what I learned from my clients, I’m probably right. Maybe a little Alexa tossed in — who knows?

We’ll never know exactly for sure — because neither client is inclined to continue the conversation with the “drink and dial” telemarketers.

A telemarketer can’t build trust by suddenly playing coy after being so forthcoming. This kind of behavior sets off scammy warning bells.

When telemarketers start research-based conversations, they’d better prepare truthful answers to the obvious questions!

And remember, my name is Brrr-gals. Think “Brrrr” as in “cold“. And “gals” as slang for “ladies. Brrr-gals.

That’s not so hard, is it? 

Windsor, Canada is only a 2 hour, 20 minute drive from my office in Grand Rapids, Michigan. And I go to Canada frequently. Business, pleasure — it’s all good in Canada.

Back in the 1999-2001 era, my Nextel cell phone let me stay in touch with state-side colleagues for my monthly package price. But for reasons of greed, Sprint-Nextel now charges an outrageous “international” rate the nanosecond I cross the US-Canada border.

So much for being mobile. And forget about serving the customer. The phone calls don’t cost more when I cross the border — the cell companies just charge more.

That’s why I don’t use my cell phone for what the cell phones laughingly call “international” calls. Canada is hardly “international” — it’s merely a day trip. There are no artificial “borders” on the internet.

Instead, I use Skype. Most hotels and coffee shops offer wireless access — and my Skype account treats Canada and US as one big, happy local phone call. I can keep in touch — without an outrageous fee. Unlimited calls — for under $3US per month.

Come to think of it — why do I even carry a cell phone at all? Given their outrageous surcharges, laughable 2-year contracts, poor connection, bad customer service — why don’t we ALL just chuck the annoying things out the window entirely?

Originally uploaded by G.Chris Clark.

Mmmmm….. I love West Michigan in May. One of the key reasons is that May is the month and West Michigan is the place — for the most delicious asparagus in the entire world.

No exaggeration!

From Mother’s Day to mid-June, you cannot beat West Michigan for hand-snapped asparagus. It is abundant, and it is especially tasty.

So when I see it advertised in the newspaper, I race to the nearest store to get the first hand-snapped batch.

Unfortunately, my nearest store has gone downhill quite a bit in recent years. I usually go to the second-nearest store, because customer service (and selection) at Horrock’s is just so much better.

But I was in a hurry, so I went to the nearest store. Mistake!

Here’s an example of bad customer service in action –

With an air of anticipation, I walked all over the darn produce department in the near-empty market, looking for my beloved Michigan asparagus. When I could not find it, I walked up to a produce employee, who was idly poking at some bags of arugula.

“Where’s the Michigan asparagus?” I asked her with an excited and friendly tone.

“Where it always is,” she replied angrily, not even glancing up from the produce bags.

There’s just so much that was wrong with that reply.

I twas curt and ungracious, to be sure. But consider this — if I knew where it “usually” was, I wouldn’t have asked her in the first place!

When I mentioned this to her (with a big grin), she actually turned her back on me! She muttered something under her breath, so I said,

“Pardon me? I couldn’t hear you!”

She turned around, pointed east, and exploded in anger, “It’s over there!”

Amazed, I said,

“See, now was that so hard? If you had said so in the first place, this encounter might not have been so unpleasant for you.”

She turned her back on me and muttered again, so jovially, I said,

“Come to think of it, it’s NOT always there. I mean, I seldom come here any more, but I distinctly remember the aspargus being more toward the south end of the produce department.”

She kept repeatedly poking at the arugula bags, probably imagining they were my face. She worked very hard at ignoring me while I prattled at her. Because she was so weird, I just left and went to Horrock’s.

Hey, the grocery business is competitive. That’s why customer service needs to be competitive, too.

BTW — I had no trouble finding the asparagus at Horrock’s. Because it is a seasonal special, they had it front and center in a special bin. They didn’t put it “where it always is”.

But if I had to ask an employee at Horrock’s, I’m pretty sure they would have been delighted to escort me to the “specials” bin.

After all, there’s no need to scream at somebody for not knowing where you usually keep your asparagus!

If you leave me a voicemail and you want me to call you back, it is a great idea to leave me your phone number! Seriously!

Over the past year, I hear at least 10 voicemails from people who sound very nice — people I would probably love to work with — but they bobble the “call me back” part.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, they tell me their phone numbers. In fact, they sound so accustomed to leaving their phone numbers, they rattle them off at top speed! Last month, I played back a voicemail message five times. I got the area code – but after that, it was all a blur.

I think I actually heard a sonic boom in the middle of the phone number!

I asked a colleague if he could decipher the number. No luck. He tried a couple of times before he quit.

Of course, many times the dubious quality of cell phone-meets-voicemail can sometimes leave a warble or a “digital burp” right in the middle of the phone number! That’s why repeating the phone number is kinda important!

So that’s my sales advice for the day: when you leave a voicemail, slow down. Here’s an easy, five-step template to follow:

1. Take a deep breath.
2. Tell me your name and company name. Tell me your phone number and extension (slowly).
3. Tell me briefly why you are calling and when you would like me to call back.
4. Repeat your name and number (slowly) just in case I didn’t have time to write it down the first time — or if your cell phone or my voicemail scrambled or hiccupped the first time through.
5. Say thank you, bye-bye — and hang up!

I like people who tell me their names and numbers right away. That way, if I have to hit “playback” to get your number, it’s right there: I don’t have to replay your entire message. It’s also polite to introduce yourself before you start telling me what you want me to do!